I’m feeling nourished.

#InMyFeelingsFriday

Quick note of context. On the Papa Culture Podcast, my friend Anton and I discuss a range of topics across pop culture and fatherhood. Sometimes they are interrelated. Sometimes, we’re at a taqueria discussing Game of Thrones. One of our regular segments has been to reflect on a “Dad Moment” and that has morphed into a thing (really.. it’s just a thing right now) on our social media feeds called “Hashtag In My Feelings Friday” to encourage ourselves and other dads (and any parent) to reflect on the emotions of the parenting journey and to capture those emotions in a selfie. This is the latest post aka the second post. (Like I said, it’s just a thing right now.) I had to trim it down for the Instagram post. But wanted the longer form read somewhere else. Here it is!

M and I had a lot of quality time this week since mommy was on a longer work trip. Recently, M’s been having challenges settling down for bed. He’s been a great sleeper and a great go-to-sleeper since he was in a swaddle. He has handled past challenges and transitioned well like learning to settle himself and fall back asleep on his own and learning to call for us instead of walking into our room completely upset and not able to fall back asleep. The past few weeks, it has been taking him no less than 45 minutes to settle into bed after reading and lights out. Most of that is rustling around, playing with his stuffed animals, making shadows, and then 3 minutes of conking out.

The other night, I was laying in bed with him and noticed that he wouldn’t close his eyes. Instead, he would default to covering them with his hands or digging his face into pillows, the bed, or my side. I asked him why he wasn’t closing his eyes. I wanted him to do so while I sang him some songs that I stopped singing at bedtime about a year ago since he shifted to not getting rocked to sleep. He said he was scared. Of what? Of the dark. Why? Because it’s dark. What’s in the dark? He couldn’t say. He was just scared.

“I only love mommy. I don’t like you.”

Each night has been different this week regarding bedtime routine especially in terms of length of time needed to rustle around and fall asleep as well as our interactions. There have been tense moments with crying and irritation. But they all have had really sweet and tender moments. That talk about his fears was one. Another came after one of the tense moments. I was frustrated since M wasn’t listening after a bath — at all. It was a funny situation when looked at from a distance, but.. still. I lost patience, so I told him that he was going to bed on his own that night. After pleading, I said I would return to read books to him, but he had to stay in there. In the past, that’s helped him settle down — after the tears of course.

I left and he was crying. Within a few minutes, the room got quiet. After 15 minutes or so, I walked into the room and he was calmly checking out books in his process to find the ones he wanted me to read for bedtime. I walked in and sat down then asked him to sit with me so I could hug and hold him and talk. As he sat in my lap, he said, “Daddy, I’m so glad that you came back,” so earnestly. My heart was flush as much as the rest of me felt guilty. I apologized to him for losing my patience. He did the same.

“Daddy, I’m so happy that you came back.”

Last night, after mommy came back form her trip, we prepared M for a different routine. We were going to ask him to stay in his room and bed on his own for a few minutes right after reading. We offered to keep an additional light on. He said yes. Until the last book was shut. Then came tears. So, mommy stayed in bed with him for a bit longer before she walked out to let him try to settle in. (It didn’t happen. I went in after a while hearing him sing to himself and eventually open the door and ask me to lie down with him.)

As she sat on the couch after leaving the room, she relayed a statement that M told her without solicitation or context which was way better than his occasional and usually playful exclamation of “I only love mommy. I don’t like you.” He said, “Daddy is the best.”

Listen to the Papa Culture Podcast on your favorite podcast app. Leave a review on Apple Podcasts if you dig what we’re doing. Catch our semi-regular things like #WashedWednesdays videos and other content on Facebook and Instagram.